Here Comes the Sun

I have not written in almost a month.

I haven't known what to say.
I wake up on Monday and I'm ok.
I wake up on Tuesday and all is lost.
I wake up on Wednesday and I don't know what to do anymore and I'm scared and freaking out.
I wake up on Thursday and I've found a solution and I wake up on Friday and everything has disintegrated.

17 days into 2016 and it's already been a less than awesome year and I think it's because I am trying to fight against what is so clearly the best decision for me.  It comes back to this neighborhood and this bar - my beloved Blue.

In 2009, we rented the building that Blue is in with the intention of opening a gay bar. Members of the LGBTQ community told us that they didn't want another gay bar - they just wanted a place that was inclusive. So we decided to make a place that was inclusive. One year in and things were not going as well as we had hoped, so we reached out to our customers and asked them what they thought.

They thought Blue was awesome, but that opening a business in a neighborhood without becoming a part of that neighborhood was kind of stupid. So we became a part of our neighborhood.

We started doing community clean-ups. With a church. And then we started a community garden. And then we started a community association. And over the past 6 years I have grown to love this neighborhood fiercely and am so very proud of the work that so many of us have done.

no art.

Art!

More art!

gross.

not gross.

This was gross.

There was too much brush here and some dirty needles and broken glass. But Jerry fixed it.

And then we grew all the things.

I stood up for what we had built with the garden and the clean-ups and I stood up for respecting the diversity of this community and what everyone, regardless of race or economic status, had to contribute and I absolute had very serious disagreements with people because I believe with ALL of my heart that you either stand for something all of the way or you don't stand for anything at all and I believed that this community - the ENTIRE community - was worth fighting for.

But...

Some people don't like it when you stand up to them. And some people don't have the courage to wade into a disagreement with you. And in my case, the people I disagreed with - rather than doing the hard work of resolving our differences - tried to destroy my life and everything I have built here...and they very nearly succeeded. Because they couldn't use my actual actions against me, they just lied. And they lied. And they lied some more. And people believed them. And told other people.

It has been an ugly, ugly thing to experience. And to still experience, since it has not stopped since it began over a year ago. Which is a very long time. In case you were wondering.

And as a result of all of this, I just don't love this neighborhood anymore. It is painful for me to be here. And my "enemies" are one part, but even more than that are the people that I thought were in this fight for a better community with me...but when things got ugly...they just...

...they didn't want to get involved. They didn't know what to do. It was better not to pick sides. It's too much drama. It was better to stay out of it. It was no big deal if they provided an audience for the rumors and gossip and lies, as long as they weren't spreading them....right?

Oh my God, you guys. That part broke my heart more than anything. The silence of so-called friends.

This community is not mine anymore. And I have been trying to force it for the last 6 months and every time I do, the universe and God very clearly tells me, "Nope. This is not for you. Your time here is over."

The final straw with deciding to let go of Blue once and for all was getting a biopsy for a spot that may or may not be skin cancer. Some scary things were learned at the dermatologist and I decided that I just can't be this stressed out all of the time. And for the record, being a small business owner is super stressful, so I'm not going to do it at this level anymore.

This much stress just isn't healthy, you guys.

I thought that even without Blue, I would stay around in this neighborhood and continue to be a part of the garden and the community association...  And then I found out that one of those same neighbors that had engaged in behavior designed to put us out of business had sent someone in under the guise of being a potential buyer. To find out information, so that when we left they could contact our landlord and take over this space that my husband and I worked so very hard to create.

I am so done with this neighborhood, you guys. I'd love to say something eloquent and powerful and poetic here but I'm just kind of...what the hell? Or actually...are you fucking serious?

I am so done struggling to understand why some of the people here do what they do, why they partake in such terrible, hurtful behavior and why people just go along with it because it's better to not make waves then it is to stand up to anyone or for anything or for anyone. I'm done always trying to recover from what they do, or dispel the latest rumor or struggle to re-build what has been lost over the last 12 months.

I'm just done.

The people that engage in this sort of behavior are cowards. They are weak. And I know that they're unhappy and I know that they're scared, but that's not an excuse for what they do to other people. And I don't have to have anything to do with it anymore. I don't want to. I'm exhausted.

In the end, they got what they wanted. They're rid of me. And life will go on and maybe this community will thrive without me and maybe it won't.

But the thing is...I'm so very proud of what I did here. And I can walk away and know that even though it has been so painful and I cried SO much and my husband really wanted me to fight dirty...I never fought dirty. After being accused of so much that I hadn't done, I absolutely wanted to turn around and do every. single. thing. that I had been accused of. If I was going to be punished for it, I might as well do it, right? Because fuck those people. But...it's not me. As angry...as livid...as just...destroyed as I was, I never sunk to that level. Not once.

And I still believe that I am a better person for these experiences. And because of these experiences, I think I have finally found the people I belong with...it is NOT these fine, upstanding citizens. These politicians and powerful business owners and all of the "right" people.

It's the strippers. And the homeless. And the heroin addicts. And the Christians. And the atheists. And the people who kept supporting Blue, no matter what they had heard. The people who heard the very worst things about me and made the decision to ignore what they heard, and actually get to know me.

This has been a soul crushing time...but I'm so very blessed. Because while I loved this community, it never truly loved me back. And when everything fell apart...I found a new community, that loved me when I couldn't love, and who have been patient and kind and vulnerable and honest and supportive and who stand behind what they say and stand for what they believe even when their voices are shaking and all of those things that are so beautiful...well....here they are. I've found them. And I love the crap out of them.

OH! And I have to tell you something about Eugene! So, at the same time I am just completely "what the fuck" all over the place over some people's actions, here comes Eugene...(That's my theme song for him - "Here comes Eugene". It sounds like "Here Comes the Sun.")

Saturday night he came by the bar and let me know that a friend's business was unlocked but that there was no one there. And then, in the freezing cold, he stood guard at the door until someone could come and lock it back up.

So - the guy that people label as crazy, scary, homeless, sketchy, etc. is out here in freezing cold weather protecting the interests of people he barely knows...while the finest, most upstanding citizens on the block are trying to destroy lives, behind closed doors, where no one can see.

All of this darkness...so I can see the light of someone like Eugene.

Life is funny, you guys. And strange. And beautiful.

The Longest Night (This post is all over the place)

Last night I went to my church's "Longest Night" service. Yesterday was the shortest day of the year, so last night was the longest night. I wasn't really sure what it was about, except that it was going to be dark, and something about being for people who are sad, during a time where everything is screaming "Joy!"

You guys... I hate Christmas.  And I try not to talk about hating Christmas too much, because it's clearly a time of year that makes a lot of people really happy, and I don't want to stomp all over everyone's happy.  But I can't stand it, for about a million and one reasons. Some have to do with consumerism, most have to do with really bad memories, some have to do with the agony of yet another year of trying to fake smile my way through (what is for me) an awful, awful holiday.

Before I met my husband, I would rent a hotel room in Chicago for Christmas. I would spend the time by myself, writing, walking, being lazy. I didn't even acknowledge Christmas, I was at peace and I really loved it.

My husband comes from a big Greek family, and Christmas is a big thing. So for the last 10+ years, I've gone through the motions of celebrating Christmas. Because it's what people do, right?  And every year I would hate Christmas and my husband would make fun of me for being a grinch, and I would just. get. through. it.

This year, I asked James to please respect that as much as I absolutely LOVE spending time with his family, I just don't want to do Christmas. Not this year. This year has been so hard, and I can't fake my way through this. He understood (because he's amazing) and I was all, "Holy Shit!! I don't have to do Christmas!!"

I was so happy. It's the happiest I've been about Christmas in years.

And then I heard about this "Longest Night" service at church, and ...well, now this holiday season has become a bit of a gift. I don't have to celebrate Christmas, and I have a space to just grieve for a bit and be sad, with other people who are sad. We don't have to wear Christmas sweaters and wrap things in bows and make sure our hair looks great for pictures...we can just cry for a while.

In the saddest way possible, it was really nice.  Even with the weight of everyone else's grief, it felt really good to just sit there in the dark and have permission to just be sad.

It was also a  moment of stillness, and in those quiet moments, I learned what I am grieving.  What I am afraid of.

The thing is...I'm holding on to hope with everything I've got, but sometimes hope feels like razor blades and I just want to let go.

I lost myself this year, and my brain has been re-wired, and every day I'm scared I'm going crazy, and that I will lose this battle with myself.

I'm so tired.

And as people spoke of their loss and others gathered round to offer comfort, I bowed my head and prayed that no one would come near me. I didn't expect that to be my prayer, and I was surprised by it, but I prayed really hard just to keep everyone away from me.

And it came to me what's really hurting me the most right now.

I'm trying really hard to love people again...but I don't believe that anyone loves me.

I hear people say they love me ...but I don't really believe it. I didn't want anyone to come near me, because I knew I wouldn't believe in any comfort that they were offering.

When I was younger, I learned that my father didn't love me. My mother didn't love me. My grandparents didn't love me. My church didn't love me. Kids in school didn't love me.

No one loved me.

I learned that no matter how much I loved, that I wasn't loved in return, and I built up some armor.

And through the years, the armor has weakened a little bit. These past few years, I loved fully, and I believed that I was loved.

And then I learned that I was foolish. And unloved. And hated.

I believe my husband loves me. But not really anyone else. That was my thought in church tonight. Like a giant punch in the chest.

You are unloved. Any comfort offered here tonight will be false, it will not last, your hope is razor blades...
...let go.

And then my friend Chris was beside me and asked if I wanted him to walk with me to light a candle. He held my hand, and as we walked towards the front of the church, his wife Trudy walked on my other side, held my other hand. And even bearing their own grief, they walked with me in mine.

I feel so selfish these days. My problems seem so small in the face of others, and all I do these days is try to figure my own shit out, when everyone around me suffers just as much, if not more...

...but I can't really be any good to anyone else if I don't have my own shit worked out, so I keep untangling and stitching the unraveled bits back where they're supposed to be and just trying to be ok. Some days it works. Other days, not so much.  (I try to write about all of the days, because I'm not hiding anything anymore.)


Anyway, the point is...I think...is that right when I was feeling selfish and was so sure that I was unloved and could not authentically and honestly receive love, Chris and Trudy walked beside me and showed me that I was wrong. I mean...they didn't just walk beside me...they came and got me...

My brain is a tricky thing. It lies to me quite a bit these days. But it also reveals some truths that I need to work on.

I have been faking receiving affection. I feel that people do not love me. I believe their friendship is false, their words of comfort are not true, that they will disappear as quickly as they have shown up. They will disappoint me, they will hurt me, they will leave me on the ground, gasping for breath, with no idea what just happened...

But I know that that isn't true. The actions of a few don't define everyone. The world is gigantic. There are billions of people out there. In the grand scheme of things, it's just a handful who've hurt me. There are also a handful who have shown me great love. I have a choice what I can believe. I just have to recognize these feelings and talk myself through them. I have to remember that my brain got re-wired this year, and I'm going to have to keep messing with it to get it back in order.

I think I have another point...

I write pretty honestly here, and in return, people have shared some pretty personal things with me. So this is for you guys...

(I volunteer for an animal shelter, so stay with me ...)

...some people are scared chihuahuas. They are in the shelter, confused and scared and shaking and some of us just want to get in there and love them and show them that it's going to be ok. And in return, the chihuahuas are almost always going to snarl and try to bite you. Because they're freaked out. And they don't know you, and they don't believe that you just want to love them, and they're just trying to protect themselves. So you give the chihuahuas some space, and you go hang out with the other dogs for a while and you love them and they love you back, no questions asked.

So....First - just because a chihuahua bites you, doesn't mean the other dogs will. Go love the other dogs for a while and see what happens.

Second - Scared chihuahuas aren't bad dogs.  They don't mean to hurt you. They're just scared. Forgive them. Be patient with them. Maybe stay away from them for a little while, so that everyone can have some space to be ok.

Third - Don't let life turn you into a mean chihuahua. If you stay in that cage, backed into the corner, snarling at everyone who comes near, you're never going to get the opportunity for a new life. But if you just trust a little bit, there's probably going to be bacon and tennis balls in your future, along with a shit load of cuddles, kisses and love.

This is the only dog in the shelter who ever drew blood from me (he was holding on very tightly to his tennis ball). He's lived with us for 4 years now, and we love the crap out of each other.

Do you know what I mean? People are super fucked up, and they do mean and terrible things and we do mean and terrible things but most of us are just hurting and scared and sometimes....we just have to love and we have to believe that people love us. It comes with some risk, but don't all great things come with risk?

We deserve to be loved. We deserve to believe we are loved, and we deserve to allow ourselves to be loved. That's it. That's the point. We take the risk and just love and just receive love.

And in a few days, if I'm mired in feeling unloved, remind me that I wrote this. And if you're having a bad day, let me know, and I'll remind you that you can love, and that you are loved.

Happy Holidays and a whole lot of love,

Jessica

A Letter to my Enemies

This weekend I had to factory reset my phone. When I used it to log back into my facebook account, I accidentally logged into my old facebook account. The one that I deactivated when this year went horribly wrong. On my new account, I have a lot of people blocked (it's easier to ignore what people are saying about you when you can't actually see what they're saying about you), but on the old one...well...there they all are. And one of them "liked" my Hey Lola page.

I don't know why. 

I don't know if it's a way of reaching out or just another form of passive aggressive bullying. 

But...you know...since you're here, old friend...

Dear Enemy,

I'm not sure if you've heard, but this year was really hard. A lot of untruths were spoken about me, a lot of rumors, gossip, unkind things. Some of those things were said by you.  Some of those rumors were started by you. All of those rumors built into one of the ugliest things that I've ever experienced. And it ripped scabs off of some old ugly things. I fell into a deep depression. I wanted to kill myself. My business suffered horribly. I now deal with some pretty hardcore social anxiety. I cry a lot. You know...just a hard year.

But I want you to know this - I'm ok. And what was the ugliest year has turned into a year of a lot of growth.  A really nice year, actually.

I know that I've probably spent a lot more time thinking about you than you have about me. There have been times that I've sat with my therapist (because I'm in therapy now) and just cried because I was trying so hard not to hate you.  Trying so hard to not to want to get even. Not to wish for you to fail at everything you try. I've spent months trying to figure out how to keep loving my neighbors, when my neighbors have hurt me so deeply. And in the process of healing from all of the hurt that the beginning of the year brought...

I found the truest of my friends.

I found out that talking about how hard everything can be, was healing to other people who are having a hard time.

I discovered that I don't have to try so hard or work all of the time. Sometimes I can just be.

I discovered hiking and bird watching with my husband!

I see these in real life! With my husband! (photo by James Mcghee)

I discovered the peace and healing of water.

I found my church.

I started painting again.

Painting by Jessica Mcghee

I let go of a lot of fear.

I found out that helping people is still ok, I just do it a little differently now.

I found people who really love me, and who let me love them.

I'm still struggling. This week I'm tackling resentment...I don't want to be resentful, but there it is, so I'm fighting it. I still get sad. I still freak out in public.  But these little battles are ok, because overall, I'm pretty content with how everything turned out this year.  That list up there...those are a lot of gifts that I wouldn't have if it weren't for the part of the year that sucked.

And I'm not mad at you. Like - I wish you were sorry, because I thought we were friends. I thought you knew the person that I was. I thought you wouldn't believe that I would do something like that to you. And I feel like, with so much time passing, that you have to know now. I feel like surely you must know that those were lies, and how much damage those lies did.

But maybe you don't. Or maybe you do, and you're just not sorry. But I'm not mad. I think people do things out of fear and in the interest of protecting what's theirs and sometimes when things go south, people need an enemy. And for some reason, this year I made a good enemy for a lot of people. 

It's not like I've never done the same thing. I definitely get fear. I definitely get fear based actions. And maybe your actions weren't born of fear. I guess I'll never really know.

But I want you to know this. I don't hate you. I'm not mad at you. I think that you were really careless with your words and I hope that you don't do that to anyone else, because your actions were devastating, but ...you know...I guess we all do what we think we need to do to get by.  Maybe I did something to you that was hurtful that I'm not even aware of.  If I did, I'm truly sorry. I only ever wanted to be your friend....and I have enough self awareness to know that sometimes I fall drastically short of being a good friend.

Anyway, I thought I'd throw this all out there, since you showed up. I could give this a Hallmark ending and be all, "Because of you, life is gumdrops!" and  "I love you!" and all of the sappy crap that happens in Hallmark movies that pretty much never happens in real life...

Life isn't gumdrops. But I'm a better person for making it through the worst parts of this year.  And if loving my neighbor means I don't hate you, I don't wish bad things for you, I hope you and your family are ok but I'm going to go ahead and keep you at a safe distance...then I guess I love you, neighbor. I guess I'm thankful for your actions, because at the end of the day, I like this version of me better than the version from the beginning of the year. 

Happy holidays and all the best,

Jessica

It looks like rain...

What does anxiety look like? What does depression look like? Supposedly they're "invisible illnesses."

I guess that's true.

I am in the middle of a full blown spiral downward. You probably can't tell. I'm sitting in this coffee shop, people all around me, typing...working, headphones on, just like everyone else...

We're all ok, right?

I come here to practice for work. When I get to work, I'll have to actually talk to people. Smile. Laugh. Certainly not cry. So I come here to practice just being around people for a little bit, so that when I get to work, I can be normal. Or at least look normal.

We're all ok...

It's 2:59 pm.

I am trying not to cry. I keep having to remember to sit up straight. My body tries to fold into itself and my back will hurt for days if I don't catch it.

Sit up straight.

Fix your face. You're wearing this look of devastation. It's weird. Half smile or something.

Stop biting your nails. They're bleeding.

Are you mad? Stop being mad. Stop freaking out. The past is over. No one is going to hurt you.

Who cares what they think?

Why can't I stop caring?

You hate her, don't you? This is why we never had children...

Don't hate. Hate is bad.

What does forgiveness look like?

Why are you thinking about this again?

Think about something else. Think about anything else.

I can't breathe.

Stop obsessing over that e-mail. No one cares.

Don't cry. DO NOT CRY.

I miss my husband.

DO NOT CRY.

I want to go home. I want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep and never get up...
But no...we don't give up that easily...

I should take more vitamin D. My therapist mentioned the change in seasons...

But I love winter...I just hate me.

I don't hate me. I hate my brain.

Why is this happening? Why won't it stop? Why won't it just shut up?

I can't.

I can't be here anymore.

I want to scream. Screaming is weird. Do not scream.

My chest. My chest hurts.

Don't cry. Keep typing.

Fix your face. Look around. Smile at strangers.

Someone walked in that I know. Head down. Don't look up. Pretend that you don't see them. They might want to talk to you. Head down, keep typing.

Don't cry.

3:08 pm.

This goes on forever.

It never turns off.

In my head, it looks like rain. It feels like drowning.

But it's invisible.

3:08 pm in a coffeeshop, typing, headphones on, and we're all ok...

...it looks like we're all ok.

If you say "Anxiety" three times in a mirror...

...then anxiety will show up and kill you. Or something.

Although I've apparently always had anxiety, this year I developed a really lovely case of social anxiety. From hell. It makes me weird, and then I feel like I have to explain why I'm weird, which makes me want to cry, which makes me just abruptly end sentences and run away.

This is so far away from the person I have been all of my life. Anxiety, yes. I am a lifelong nail biter, worrier, over-thinking over-explainer. But I've also always been pretty good with people.

I mean...I used to be a stripper (that's a story for another day). Standing naked in a room full of strangers doesn't really go with social anxiety. And now I own a bar, so being social is a requirement of my life.

But...

Oh my god. This week has been so hard. And it's kind of funny, because I'm pretty sure that a lot of people think that I really have my shit together.

For the record...I definitely do NOT have my shit together. Just in case you also don't have your shit together... we're in this boat together, trying our hardest to keep it afloat.

I think we're taking in a little bit of water...?

(Photo by Scott Rhea)

My anxiety is raging and I feel exposed and naked and weird and I wish people would stop looking at me and even if they're not looking at me it feels like they're looking at me and I just want to crawl inside of myself and hide from everything. And because I can't hide from anything because life requires that you be present, I feel weighed down and freaked out and sad, and here comes depression...

And here's what's really triggering everything - my writing about Eugene and the decision to sell our bar.

I write about Eugene because I think it's really important to share these stories, and to share them from the viewpoint of someone that you know. It hits a little closer to home when it's not something you saw on the news or a facebook post that's been shared a gazillion times. Most people who read my blog know me, so through me, you can know Eugene, and see what he's up against. And maybe it will change your way of thinking a little bit because now it's real...because you know me, and you know that I care about Eugene. That's my hope. BUT - as a result of trying to write honestly about myself and my struggles and hopes and friendships, now you see me.

You can see Eugene, which is good.

You can see me, which is bad.

I also wrote about selling my bar and some of our customers are kind of freaking out. I get it. I'm kind of freaking out, too. I know - I KNOW - that this is the right decision. But I also know that my husband and I built Blue together. We saw friendships and marriages start here. We started a community movement. There are gardens and murals and volunteer days and a community association solely dedicated to this neighborhood and all of that was born in our bar.

I will cry for days when we let it go. For sure. Building Blue is one of the coolest things that I have ever been a part of. But it's time to let it go.

But people are sad and they want to talk about it and so we talk about it and then there are all of these feelings and I'm a person who cries, so I want to cry, but I'm working and I can't cry because absolutely NO ONE wants to be waited on by the over-emotional bartender who is just crying all over the place so I try to control my emotions but I can't so I go hide for a minute and now I'm weird and...

anxiety. anxiety. anxiety.

There she is. My old friend.

Such a bitch.

And she usually doesn't travel alone...depression and anxiety are pretty much BFFs - where one goes, the other one can't be far behind.

And so, anxiety has me completely twisted up in knots, feeling exposed and feeling like a weirdo. And since my writing about Eugene has triggered some of it, I start thinking about the relationship that I have with Eugene and some of our similarities...

My husband often says that one of my biggest weaknesses is that I think everyone is my friend, and that's why I get my heart broken so much. That I see friendship in everyone, I love everyone and I think they all love me back. But people don't see me the way that I see them, and when I realize that, my heart breaks a little bit. Sometimes a lotta bit.

Eugene also thinks that everyone is his friend and there is pretty much nothing you could ever say that would make him think any differently. So this week, as we work through the system and try to get him back on medication to organize his thinking a little bit, I have been struck with the horrible thought that by working to make Eugene "well"...will we break his heart over and over again?

Will he realize that people he called friends are taking advantage of him, or are people that he doesn't even know, or are people that just want him to go away?

Will he feel this heavy weight of un-reciprocated love? Will this steal some of his joy? All of his joy?

I think that I'm helping, but am I actually doing something terrible?

And I am suffocating. I feel crushed. I can never do enough. I don't know what I am doing. I'm really screwing this up. There is too much suffering. People are cruel and the world is dark and I am sinking, sinking, sinking...

Anxiety. Depression. The meanest girls in school.

But I'm a fighter, you know? I don't like to be scared of things. I don't want to be a person who doesn't do things because I'm scared. When I write, I am exposed and you see me and I hatehatehate that. But people like me, who also struggle with anxiety and depression, read my blog and feel not so alone and that means the world. That is more important than my fear. You see me, but you also see Eugene and the millions of others who are like him, and that is more important than my fear. More important than my discomfort.

I cried the whole time I wrote this. I am slumped into the tiniest version of myself that I can possibly make. My fingernails are shredded. But I am not dead. This will not kill me. Anxiety and depression are the meanest girls in school, but if you stand up to bullies, eventually they go away.

Or at least to the opposite side of the cafeteria.