I'm Self Caring As Hard As I Can

A few years ago I was diagnosed with endometriosis. If you're not famiiar with're really lucky. The best way that I can describe it is that the lining of your uterus decides that it also wants to live outside of your uterus, and proceeds to attach itself to all of your organs, and chokes the living crap out of them every month.

I drew this picture a long time ago:

It wasn't supposed to be my uterus, but now I think it is...just screaming in agony and shoving against every surrounding thing as hard as it can, digging in with its nails, and never shutting up because misery loves company. If uterus is miserable, so is everybody else.

Anyway, I had surgery for it, they scraped it all out, and everything was fine...until it wasn't, because endometriosis likes to come back. 

This past week I also had a biopsy for this gnarly thing on my chest, and I'm waiting to see if it's skin cancer. In the meantime, I'm not supposed to hang out in the sun anymore. Ever.


So right in particular...I am struggling with anxiety, depression and endometriosis. It is exhausting. And painful. And debilitating. And it makes you hate yourself. Especially when you remember that 2 years ago, you had all of the energy in the world and were doing great things and laughing and dancing and happy and...

Today you realized just how fat your elbows have gotten (fat elbows?????) and your uterus has taken the rest of your body hostage and you're tired all of the time and vitamin D is where you get your energy and you get that from the sun which is no longer your friend and getting out of bed and typing this blog post is your biggest - and only - accomplishment for the day.

What's my point?

My point is, today I also had a UPS delivery of three things. A megadose of vitamin D to take weekly, a liquid form of vitamin D to take daily, and a vitamin designed specifically for women whose bodies are taken hostage every month by their stupid uterus. Because I'm trying. Because I don't want to be a sad lump under the covers. I don't want my elbows to get fatter because I can't get out of bed and I don't like to leave the house.

I'm not endorsing any of these. I have no idea if they'll make a difference. I'll let you know how I feel in a month.

I want to get better. So I'm switching my vitamins. I'm eating better. I'm reducing caffeine. I'm talking about my health. I'm reading about it. I'm still seeing my therapist. I'm forcing myself to do at least one thing a day. And I'm backing out of things that I simply don't have the energy for and I am NOT beating myself up about it. 

The thing is - I simply don't know from day to day where my energy levels will be. I can't predict them. Sometimes I've made plans and I wake up and I have just enough energy to do the basics. And I cancel plans. And it's ok. Because if I can't take care of myself, how on earth can I do anything else well?

So actually, none of that was my point. My point is this:

Take care of yourself. And don't apologize for it. 

That's the lesson I'm learning this week.

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