The Everything.

Two weeks ago, James and I closed Blue, the bar that we had for nearly 7 years. It was packed and my heart was overwhelmed at the amount of support that our customers showed us on that final evening. I cried...sobbed...for the last hour as I worked. Just handing people drinks, with tears streaming down my face.

When the lights went up, we hugged and we cried and I told a bunch of people that we were going to be alright. It would be ok. Blue holds so many memories for so many of us, but we'll make more, and we'll find new places where we fit.

Last week we turned the keys over to the new tenant and we officially walked away.

Have I been saying for months that I was at peace with this? That I would be ok? That this is what I wanted?

There was a small part of me that was afraid that when all was said and done, that I would be wrong. That I would run back and wrap my arms around the building and that James would have to drag me kicking and screaming away from it...

...but no. I handed the keys over and drove away and I felt a hundred pounds lighter. I felt free.

I gave my entire heart to that community. Everything I had. And at the end of the day, I didn't get back what I needed to be ok with staying there. Having Blue in that particular neighborhood felt like living with someone that I used to love fiercely, but who beat me, broke up with me, kicked me around, and then insisted that I still live with them and function as though everything was just fine. As though our history didn't exist.

I felt smothered. Lost. Unhappy. Sad. Disappointed. Disillusioned. Every day there hurt.  Letting go was hard but...oh my god...this feels so incredibly right.

And so it has been two weeks. I promised myself that if we did this, if we walked away from Blue and I didn't seek out another job, I would throw myself into art. I'm making good on that promise. Tomorrow I start a new mural - and I'm getting paid for it! I'm writing this blog post while taking a break from editing photos of the new jewelry that I've made and will have for sale soon. I'm keeping busy. I'm sticking to the plan.

But I'm also doing things that I haven't done in years. I'm meeting friends for lunch. We're going out for drinks. I spent an entire day with girlfriends getting tattoos and talked about things that weren't heavy. That weren't about work.  That weren't about being disappointed.

I've made dinner for my husband and we've sat together at a table and eaten together. We spend time with each other that isn't rushed or squeezed in between shifts.

And I am finding more and more each week that I can still give my heart to a community. That I can love and be loved in a way that feels healthy. That I can be vulnerable, that I can disagree, that I can say the wrong things, and that there are people who are ok with that.

I think I locked myself into one neighborhood and for a while, for me, that became my whole world. So despite having lived all across the country and having traveled to different parts of the world, part of me feels a little bit like someone who just discovered that oh! The universe doesn't just exist inside of this little box. This is not everything. This is just a speck of dust in the everything.

So life now is exploring. I'm walking away from a speck of dust in the everything and running towards....everything.

I'm so excited to see what each new day brings. I'm enjoying right now, and looking forward to the future.

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